Cultural Differences: Marriage & Children

There’s a lot to navigating a new culture.  It takes time and sensitivity to learn what areas are culturally offensive to people here.  It also takes time and grace to face the areas that I may be offended by.

Since we got married, it seems that it’s every Peruvian’s business to ask when we plan to have children?  Are we pregnant yet?  When will we have a baby?  Do we want a boy or a girl first?
I suppose that this is a common question for newlyweds in Canada, and perhaps worldwide, although in my culture I tend to think that it’s a query more common between closer friends and family. 

The issue I have is that even when I give an answer (that in my eyes should warrant an end to the question, at least for some time) the question is asked again on many more occasions.  I have had one lady that I work with ask me nearly every months when we will have a baby.  My answer the first time should have given us at least a year without harassment.  I’ve had another co-worker from the Casa tell me the same story three times regarding a couple she knows who were in their 30’s when they got married and started a family immediately because they “weren’t getting any younger” and how they now have 5 children (or is it 6?).  For crying out loud, an 11 year old girl that I see from time to time on my way to the orphanage asked me if I was pregnant yet.  And- when I have a baby will I want a girl first or a boy?  But- that doesn’t matter, right, only that it’s healthy.  (Her words, not mine!).  When I was 11 I was into books or building forts, and I really doubt that it ever crossed my mind about the pregnancy status of older women!  In fact, this girl was not the first young person to ask me this... a few days after our wedding, a girl of about 16 asked me if I was pregnant.  Immediately I looked at my stomach- I didn’t think I looked “fat”!  I was a bit surprised and taken a-back.   Where did that question come from?

A couple of weeks ago, in a common conversation in taxi, after answering the driver that I am married, and that no, we don’t have children yet, he asked if my husband is working.  “Pero, funciona tu esposo?”  He didn’t mean in the employment sense.  Just recently a nurse asked how many children we have.  I said that we’ve only been married 9 months.  Her first question after was, “but your husband works?”  I am still not sure if she was referring to the same as that of the Taxi driver or not.

Walter has told me that it is natural here for newlyweds to have a baby right away.   And the thing is that when a couple do have their first baby (or second or third) it doesn’t stop there: the question becomes “When will you have your next baby?”

So, I started to ponder why I sometimes find this question so offensive ... if not slightly invasive. 

I realize that I might be in the minority of those who feel this way, but I really feel that it’s a personal topic between my husband and me.  One that shouldn’t involve the rest of the world’s ear pressed up against the glass, or outright eagerness to know our plans... or what I can't help but feel is a judgement of whether we are complete and happy or not.

It came to me that one of the first questions that those who are newly introduced ask in North America is usually along the lines of “So, where do you work?”  After "how are you?" one of the most common questions people ask in a general conversation is something to do with: “How’s your job going?” In Peru, I hardly ever have people ask me questions related to work, or even if I do work or not.  Even the taxi drivers, when making the every-day chit-chat, will ask “How many children do you have?” before they’ll ask “Where do you work?”   It makes me think of how in North America, we tend to identify ourselves with our work.  But, here in Peru, persons identify with family.   I’m not saying that family doesn't have as high a value in Canada.  But, in Peru, everything revolves around family. 

Family members tend to accompany someone to a doctor’s appointment, even when it’s something very minor like a cold.  Family is represented in the wedding party over friends, such as at the head table, where the bride and groom are accompanied on both sides by their parents.   One member’s problems are really the whole family’s problem.  Decisions for one are made in part by each family member.  Families work together in everything.  When I have asked Walter’s nieces and nephews under 13 years old what is their favorite thing to do, their first response is almost always that they like to help their mom or dad... doing chores, helping with cooking, helping look after younger siblings.  In North America when you ask a child what their favorite thing to do is, it’s pretty likely to be based on their own individual preference for something.

And that’s a big part of it- mine is of an individualistic society, and although family is high on my list of values; those values may be cultivated or shown in a different way.  My culture doesn’t tend to associate productiveness or contentment with having children, nor is it selfish not to have them.  It is okay to spend some time in marriage, just the two, getting to know each other or to focus on other goals such as travelling or career first.  Family planning often involves strategizing on many different levels, thinking with more of a long-term perspective.  Despite all the family planning that people might plan, the change from 2 to 3 is ultimately in the Divine One's hands anyways.

I’m sure that there are other things that contribute to the cultural outlook on Peru marital expectations, but for now these observations are eye-opening for me.

The truth is, that when we do have news to share we do want people to be happy along with us- whether that’s in a few weeks, months ... or years, but in the meantime we want people to be content for us in where we are at this time, too -  which is pretty good!

Even here there is a shifting and broadening point of view between the older generation and newer.  My husband understands where I come from and can chuckle with me later at the comments I have sometimes found offensive in the moments of my day.  Even he can’t get over the Taxi man’s comment of whether my husband “works” or not.

All things observed, there are no rights or wrongs in either culture... just different. 

It’s interesting and helpful to dig a little deeper to understand the basis of the whys and the how’s of two different cultures.  The better part is learning how not to take offense, while learning how not to offend.  Afterall, learning to forgive the offense of others, to not dwell in offenses, and to not offend others is part of the challenge of following Jesus.
And this, I imagine, will present ongoing growth opportunities as different culture-related differences are revealed.

Other Bible verses that can help with learning and growing in forgiveness and not holding onto offenses:
http://www.openbible.info/topics/holding_grudges